sometimes Google just does not have the answers…

Our family is struggling…trying to make our way…trying so much to feel “normal”. We have been here in Calgary for 2 months. So short…but yet, a lifetime…

The boys’ sports schedules are creating chaos and not allowing for needed family time. I am cutting the schedules in half and making 2 week nights a family centered night. 2 weeks of sports, every night, is TOO Much. Claire rushes home, always too late, and goes to one field…I am at the other…we come home, rush to bed…and start over…I am officially calling a time out! It was a complete error to have 2 sports at once and I must say….it will NEVER EVER happen again. You can only enjoy something if you are there 100% in mind and body…..if we are NEVER really home….how can we learn to enjoy..embrace…and love home….and family.

The move has made us face grief. Grief due to the sudden loss of familiarity. We all show it differently. Andrew has no appetite and is angry.  Adam is scared of being alone and needs assurances that we will not abandon him. Claire is angry, confused, and withdrawn. I am roller coaster that keep bouncing from bleakness to semi-okness..with a yearning for organization.

I wonder if the focus on normalcy is a deterrent to normalcy.

Today I kept Andrew home from school because he needed time with me. One on one, just he and I. We went to a store and I put him in the basket…and walked. …and walked…for almost 2 hours….just so I could get him to talk. He sat in his PJ’s because that is what he wanted to wear. A 7 year old in pirate pants would not stop the world from spinning…and it gave him a sense of self…and a bit of control about his world for a while. Andrew spoke of being angry, of needing his friends, of feeling like he needed to punch, his words just made my heart bleed at times.  I listened today. I said very little. He needed an open forum with no rebuttal panel.  We made it to the garden section. I told him that it was his job to pick the flowers for our new yard. He could choose any colors, any types, any size. I gave him a blank pallet. He immediately began to search for orange. He asked if the “made” and orange flower, as we were surrounded by red, pink, purple, and white geraniums. I said that God makes every color imaginable. He said he wanted orange because it would make me happier.  I offered my beautiful boy a slice of choice and he gave me back a heart of compassion. I saw that he wanted my heart to be happy again. He once asked why I loved orange so much. I told him it  reminds me of the sun, loud music,  running and skipping in the rain, and happiness that can never be stopped. He wanted to fill my garden with orange…this child, my gift from Ukraine,…made my world seem OK.

The choice to keep Andrew home made a difference. A small difference for both of us. He learned that I really was listening to his pain and I learned that my little baby boy will one day grow up to be a gentle and giving man. 

I am thankful for today.

Appetite, Assurances, Boys Sports, Calgary, Embrace, Face Grief, Familiarity, Family Time, Friends Of Feeling, Google, Mind And Body, Normalcy, Open Forum, Pirate, Pj, Rebuttal, Roller Coaster, Sense Of Self, Sports Schedules, Time Out