Andrew and Adam’s little souls are sometimes my biggest concern. As a mother my job is to teach their soul to love, have empathy, to care, to worry (but not too much), to try their very best (but not become a perfectionist), and to love themselves each and every day.  With all of those responsibilities, I find myself failing and starting over more than counting successes. The line of dicipline and respect are black and white and the clouds of love, peace, and willingness to create a better world are pastels, vibrant reds, and subtle. I am still learning, so how do I teach? My idea is….just keep starting over every day.

 Today was an odd day. Our “new” car/AKA money pit was serviced today for a ROTTEN steering column due to the fact that it sat too long in the previous owner’s property. The Volvo dealership that inspected it before we bought it less than 6 months ago said the car was in “great condition”!! We have spent a BOAT LOAD of money, almost more than we paid for the car! within 6 months! anywhoo……we were 1 car down for the day…..I chose to be stranded at home for the day rather than spending MORE money to rent a car for the day. I asked Claire’s parents to pick up Adam from school at 11:30 and bring him home. They actually live closer to the school than I do. Her mom offered to bring him to her house for the time between picking him up and Andrew up at 2:30…so, suddenly, I was left with an empty house….from 8:00am - 2:30pm…..childless, partnerless……so, what did I do???? hhmmm…..not much. I sort of took the day OFF for the first time in a LONG LONG time. It was refreshing and it felt really good to actually MISS the kids. I looked forward to them coming home. So, 2:30 rolls around and Andrew and Adam come in. Andrew is not happy because Adam got to spend time at his grandparent’s house ..and he had school.  Grandma immediately came to the rescue,….Andrew and Adam went back to their grandparent’s house for the afternoon and dinner. My entire family, including Claire arrived at 7:00pm…I was ALONE for 10.5 hours in my home ALONE. IMAGINE THAT!! and what did I realize? what did I feel? I felt more refreshed and centered……I need a day off here and there more often……being with them for months on end is not a good thing…..I can be a better mom if I take more breaks…..

So, we talked to the boys tonight about the move. All the paperwork is signed. All the negotions are finalized, and it is a “go”….so, we thought that a full month of soul preparation would be a good time span for them.The move has been moved up to March 3rd (Claire’s start date at work).

We started out explaining that we made a promise with a signature on a piece of paper and that the promise we made meant that we were going to move away.  Adam was almost disinteresested, …he is not really old enough to care about his friends a the level Andrew does, so he is much more easy going about changes to our home than Andrew would be expected to be. Andrew immediately deflated and said that he was not happy about the decision. He really loves his friends and makes them easily. He has JUST started to develop a friendship with a little boy in his class that is SO SO SWEET to Andrew. I agreed to a snowboarding playdate this Saturday. Andrew will go with this little boy and his dad to the bunnie slops and snowboard. I think I hesitated to let him go because it seemed so “big boyish”….but, at some point….I, too, must let go…………….a little. Anyway, back to the Calgary talk……Andrew wants to keep contact with his new and old friends. He started naming the different people that we knew and Adam joined in……..we know a TON of people………………a TON…….all so different, all special…….and it hit me between the eyes……..all so far away.

For a moment, I held back the tears, but, then realized, it was ok for Andrew to see them and for him to know that I hurt too. It is ok for him to know that I am not always the bravest soldier. I told him that we would be a team. Claire was my shining star…..she told the boys that this was like a pirate adventure. We were on our way to discover new places, meet new people……Adam chimed up…..”and to steal all their treasures, just like the pirates……..”……sort of put a halt in the “go get’um speech”…but, after a motherly eye of “knock it off” he shared that he was looking forward to seeing what the beautiful sunsets looked like in Calgary over the huge mountains….My sweet Adam, kissing up with talks of sunsets and mountains……because he KNOWS that I want him to think they are beautiful!! I love that kid!!

 Ok, enough for now….

anne